I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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