MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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