I think I won the penis lottery.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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