And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
