oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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