Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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