OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
