I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
