i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
