So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
