dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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