ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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