mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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