i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
