Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
