Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found a bag of teeth...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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