my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have fence marks all over my body
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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