when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
