im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
