I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
