So drunk its hurt
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
