Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
