turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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