People in love make me want to vomit
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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