I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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