Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
