the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer