I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.