R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
