what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
