You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
