Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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