I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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