Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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