Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
