All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
