I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think i have two assholes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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