I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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