saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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