I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
