she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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