got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
we should paint friendship bongs
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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