i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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