I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize