I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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