Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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