Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
