WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
