I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is wine microwaveable?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
