ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
