Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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