I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
