Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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