On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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