Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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