The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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