i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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