I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
