now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
