Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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