I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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