I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
