I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
