I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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