Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
